Fret not the baptism of your tears!
For they are the watering of your flowering Soul.
- Melissa D’Antoni
Last week I found myself bulldozing through some uncomfortable emotions that made me literally crawl in my skin. Nothing I could do could distract me me enough from feeling their intensity and the messages that were communicating. You know the slippery ones that percolate grief and anger and challenge all your beliefs about yourself…perhaps of others and cause extreme discomfort and pain. It was so gut-wrenchingly painful I did not want to be in my body. For a few days I felt a huge hole in my heart and traveled through a darkness I that while in it felt like I had never known before. I was able to witness myself squirm around, wanting to intellectualize (which is where I go when emotion feels to overwhelming) make a story of it…analysis paralysis and even turned to all my trusted tools and practices for self care.
Nothing was working. The grief grew in size like a dark black hole that seemed to swallow my insides and want to spit me out into a world I unwillingly was destined to go. That is what it feel like to be taken by the wave of deep despair and what I realized is that no story, no spiritualist mantra, nothing I knew could keep me from feeling this pain. The only way out is through. Funny that the week before a client sent me a new acronym for fear that she heard:
F E A R… Feel Emotions And Rise!
I had to be still…to surrender to it’s invitation, silently beckoning me to feel it all and then trust that I will come back up again, revived and renewed from a very different place. So I sat and cried for a few days straight. I let myself wail like a sobbing child, giving myself the freedom to exaggerate it as much I could to be sure that I expressed every tear, every cell of grief that I had just tapped into. Fully surrendering, not knowing when it would end, how long it would last or where it would take me. I just felt all of my feelings….and then after a few days of totally surrender…it shifted. As if I had cleared years and layers of unprocessed grief, anger and despair that finally after years of chipping a way and opening up the flood gates of my emotional body…were ready to be set free ..and opened up to a new me. Here is a painting I expressed as the tide of grief began to shift…
I began to feel lighter, more clear, more empowered as I opened up to even more joy within myself. My physical body rushed with life-force as if every cell of being danced…thank you! We can move again. My heart physically felt as if it had cracked wide open and I felt the fresh wound in my chest of a heart that was expanding.
This baptism of tears, brought on a new level of awakening, of forgiveness, of compassion for myself and others, for our fragile life experience and the tender hearts that we carry. This live is so amazing, so precious and so divinely orchestrated that I will never doubt, not for a moment why we experience what we do and the purpose that lies within as well as the thread of miracles that guides us through. Never.
It still comes in waves as it lightens and flows. And how perfect that on the cusp of Spring I am given this beautiful reminder to feel it all or loose it all.
We resist pain in our modern culture and are mostly numb to it out of habit and legacy. Due to conditioning yes, and partly just part of the human experience. I know this very truth even years after exploring the expressive arts that our feelings are our well of insight, they are our intuitive guides taking us within and leading the way toward our self-realization one breath at a time.
So do you seek freedom? Joy? Abundance? Love? Flow?
Give yourself the greatest gift of all which is the courage and bravery to go into the unknown well that is your self and feel your way through to a brighter, newer more freer you.
with all my love…
Join me on The Freedom Of Expression Tour! and paint your way to freedom & passion. Coming to a city near you…